i realize that i have not blogged in a while. honestly, my last couple weeks have been, for lack of a better word, shitty. i fell into this deep hole of numbness and was pretty much unenjoyable to be around. it wasn't quite the state of mind i wanted to be in before i left for africa this week.
i was on god "overload". here i am in 4 different bible studies trying to serve god in every little thing i do and say and i just got tired. for the first time in my christian life in many years, i questioned my intentions or if it all was really worth it. i was starting to feel like i will never measure up. i have 4 different studies all telling me what i need to change in my actions, my heart, my thinking, yada yada to be in a better place with god. it was TOOOOOOOO much.
i was starting to think my life would be easier if i wasn't a "christian"- not, my life would be easier without god. i was getting hung up on what other people thought of me or that i don't measure up or doing the "christian" thing. yuck. that is not how god wants you to feel or how he wants to have a relationship with you. i really just had to let what other people thought of me GO. on friday night, i had a good time just getting away from it all-i needed some space to see things and for myself. i woke up the next morning feeling THE BEST i have felt in weeks.
"rejoice in the lord always, and again i say rejoice" it goes on to say "be anxious for NOTHING.". so i am not worried about what you think of me, when and where my place is in ministry, what will happen in the future for those i love, or why i exist. :) i give it all up to god, i trust him fully, his timing and his ways are perfect. when i turn off the "noise" from everyone and everywhere else and it's just me and him, it's simple. no overload. no worries. i think he likes it better this way too.
so i apologize and thank those family and friends who have bared with me these past couple weeks, for my over-analyzing everything, for my worries, for my tears. you guys kept me afloat when my world was sinking sand and hoisted me up to that solid rock on which i stand.
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5 comments:
I resemble this post! Love ya
Yay! So glad you are back and in a better place! For what it's worth, I think you are a very admirable person and I will never be able to comprehend how you do all you do (and I only know about the stuff you post!). I've always believed that all of us that serve the Lord serve in our own way and capacity. Others doing more or less or seemingly handling it better shouldn't affect how we view ourselves in the eyes of the Lord. I think about this verse "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." I don't think that means we have to do "all things", but that the things God expects of us he will give us the strength and talents to do. Knowing when it's something that God really wants us to do and something others expect of us is the hard part. I'm glad you guys had fun Friday night...it was certainly good to see you and hang out-though I know I didn't stay long!
Keep your chin up and your dancin' legs a movin'! Have a wonderfully fulfilling time in Africa!
thank you both :) i struggled to even write that i was going through a rough time (there i go again, wondering what people would think of me!), but really it's not all roses and rainbows for anyone, especially with our walks. just keepin it real, i guess :)
brianne-it was SO good to see you and the babay belly. thanks for the encouragement-you have a gift there-hehe.
annie-i will see you sooooon, sista!
I love that you're real ... and I love being in a small group with you!
Wow...what a mouthful. See, I never see you as going away, because we talk so much. But I have heard the heaviness in your voice, and although we have chatted about a lot you mentioned in the blog, I just hope you realize how many people you have praying for you. And not just when you ask for it...all the time.
You have been going non-stop in church related activities, whether it be your own or in MD, and you need a break. Well, look there...cue trip to Africa. You are right- this could not come at a more needed time. You are going to be in the right frame to bless, as well as be blessed.
I love you girl, and am proud to call you my best friend...and am ALWAYS here for any rambling or tears you have in you!
P.S. Wouldn't it be nice one day to be able to walk over to my door and be able to chat. Make sure Brian reads this :)
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